Principles to keep in view during a collaborative conversation
Is this true for both of us, here and now?
I am 100% responsible for getting my needs met, in partnership.
My conversation partner has sovereignty over their own motivations.
If I want to know what it will take for them to make the change I want in their behavior, I will ask them and listen.
"Entitlement" means believing your responsibility ends when you make a complaint or give your partner instructions.
Entitlement is treating your partner as "a thing", not as a self-sovereign person who is fully in charge of their own motivations.
(Parenting sets unfortunate patterns of expectation here.)
If I respect my partner's sovereignty over their own motivation (and I don't pressure them with disapproval or threats),
they will more likely feel respected as a separate person.
That's more likely to get my needs met than acting entitled to have their compliance.
I'm here first to listen to and understand my conversation partner's desired experiences in this challenging situation.
The key that opens the door to me getting my needs met in this situation is for them to feel safe from my value judgments and to be heard or held or helped, as THEY choose.
Kindness and respect open doors and hearts.
Complaining or venting frustration at the other person closes their ears and their heart.
Those behaviors are ineffective ways to get my needs met.
If they feel safe with me, they can listen from the heart, with vulnerability.
To the extent I come to the conversation with armor on, expecting a conflict, so will they.
I can't bully someone into cooperation.
I'm responsible for meeting my own needs.
I can ask them to hear me or hold me or help me.
Conflict happens at the level of strategies, not needs.
If I want my partner's needs to be met in this situation, they're more likely to want my needs to be met.
Then, the strategies we adopt together will be win-wins.
